Notes

I'm ok people. Really.

~~~~~

Went to the rooftop to take a picture of the skyline from my place. A photograph to remember this building which I called home for the past 2 years.

~~~~~

我每步都为你走, 在你梦想的边缘
总有一个人一直为你为你守候著它.

Recur

We all have our own particular terrors in sleep. Is yours a ghost or a rampaging thing, dangerous and insane, which hunts you through the night? Or is it an apparently ordinary person whom you might not even know, causing an unexplained, all pervading sense of threat and fear?

RECURING NIGHTMARES: THEY PORTRAY A REALITY ABOUT OURSELVES

The nightmare was an attempt to integrate what a person unconsciously senses, but may never have defined or put into words. This description applies in general to all of our dreams. They are a link between our deep unconscious biological functions, our memories and intentions, and our conscious everyday social selves. In particular, nightmares are, as in the example, attempts to bring to consciousness powerfully felt events which led us to reactions which might have been relevant at the time, but negatively influence our present life, and need re-assessment. An event may have led us not to trust people for instance, or as with the woman, have powerful anxiety in connection with external objects - such as the railings. When understood, a nightmare brings the strength of the emotions and the original cause to our attention, so we can understand the connections and perhaps change our reactions.

My life

Sigh... 4am and I am still accumulating a massive sleep debt which I desperately wish to clear off. How could a darn nightmare cause me so much pain in doing something which I love so dearly -- sleep.

~~~~~

The post exam era have been spent mopping at home, reading up on SAF related stuff. Just finished the monograph on IKC2 and another book borrowed from Jonathan called Military Blunders written by an American. Since a Yankee wrote the book, you could expect the bulk of the blunders discussed were made by the Britons, and not surprisingly, the fall of Singapore was included in the book.

Just bought a thick book called Air Powers. Digesting it slowly at the moment. One more year before I start work. Time to ingest some useful stuff rather than to choke on the technicalities of Electrical and electronic engineering daily.

~~~~~

Housing is a mess at the moment. 2 houses, with maybe 10 or 11 of us. Have to do a bit of jigsaw puzzle playing cum human resource reshuffling to get the people fitted optimally into the households. Ok that sounds geekish. Blame that on Sebastian.

But anyway, will be staying along Cromwell Road just above the Italian restaurant with: Bingrong, Pei Chuan, Eunice, Chongwai, Joyceline, Marc Wenroth aka Yoda, Wei Lun, Melvin aka Liverpool Fan Club buddy, Edwin and maybe one more girl if we manage to work out an arrangement to accomodate.

~~~~~

Post OSC: The new President Jasmine is really having difficulties recruiting her team. I wonder if I should stick on and help her. I have my reservations for working with some Europeans (no, most of them are nice, but it just happened that I got to work in the same team with particularly egoistic ones and that really did put me off), but my sympathy is wavering my resolve. Top cap off her miseries, Zhicheng told me that her role in the union is intensified next academic year, and she is definitely going to get as much help as she could. How people? Any advice?

Yah.. on a second note, Zhicheng nominated me for Union Colours *honoured* but I stick to what I said during the MOSA interview. If anyone in ICUnion, not just ICSingsoc deserves anything, its you =) You are lucky you are a sabbatical officer and we can't nominate you in return.

~~~~~

扶着你走眼睛花了 你老花眼镜就是我
把时间忘了慢慢走 美丽风景我为你转播不让你错过

You'll never walk alone!

Liverpool, the UEFA Champions' League Champions! You'll never walk alone!

Amazing race, amazing relationships

Had that same nightmare again. Woke up, had a mug of coffee, and simply just played one of the CDs left on the table. Turned out to be The Amazing Race 7 series. I've never watched it before, so well, first time firsts.

I think it was the amazing race 7 episode 5, which was not an elimination round. However, the last pair to arrive at the pit stop, an elderly, loving couple, was to surrender all their money and their backpacks as a penalty. In the words of the narrator, you will travel with literally nothing but your passports and the clothes on your back.

The couple had the last say though. You are wrong there. We still have each other, and you cannot take this old man away from me. We're soulmates, and as long as we have each other, we will not give up and we'll continue to take the next step.

The point of what happened is self-explanatory I guess.

~~~~~

全年无休最敏锐的深情, 你的一点情绪都能感应
你也许偶尔怪我有些约束你, 但一定懂得那是保护你疼你

0422 am

Tired

Snapshot by my housemate as I dozed off at my table. Had a couple of recursive nightmares about 4 days ago, and since then sleeping had been quite a trouble, hence the spells of dozing off that I have.

Nothing much have been happening. All peace and quiet in the real world.

~~~~~

让我随你去, 我愿陪在你的身边为你挡风遮雨

簡單愛

愛一個人，要了解，也要開解；

要體貼，也要體諒；
要認錯，也要改錯；

是支持，而不是支配；
是接受，而不是忍受；
是寬容，而不是縱容；
是慰問，而不是質問；
是傾訴，而不是控訴；
是難忘，而不是遺忘；

可以浪漫，但不要浪費
是彼此交流，而不是凡事交代；
是為對方默默祈求,而不是向對方諸多要求；

《汽水》

~~~~~

《听不到》

夜黑夜寂寞的夜里，气生气对自己生气，
软弱的电话又打给你。
想听你那边的空气，有什麽精采的话题，
你还是温柔给我婉转的距离。

会很会伪装我自己，你不该背我的秘密，
沉重都给我微笑给你。
奔狂奔空旷的感情，走暴走暴走的伤心，
透明的叹息最後还是我的秘密。

我的声音在笑泪在飙电话那头的你可知道，
世界若是那麽大为何我要忘你无处逃。
我的声音在笑泪在飙电话那头的你可知道，
世界若是那麽小为何我的真心你听不到。

(被困在讓你知道真心和僞裝一切從未發生過的邊界，可笑可涕，不知所措)

听不到听不到我的执着扑通扑通一直在跳
直到你有一天能够明了我做得到我做得到

(我相信你會明了，我相信我做得到，就讓執著繼續扑通扑通的跳下去。這就是我的執著，我的決定。)

~~~~~

《掌心》

“你手中的感情线是不肯泄漏的天机，那是我否是我一生不能去的禁区呢？我到底在不在你掌心，还是只在梦境中扎营，在茫茫的天和地寻觅一场未知的感情

摊开你的掌心让我看看你，玄之又玄的秘密
看看里面是不是真的有我有你。”

(知道后又怎麽樣？凭一种男人的直觉去承受这份残缺嗎？到此地步時，我想缘起和缘灭那过去已不能重写。缘起，缘灭。事因缘而起，就让事随缘而灭。這是否是其一办法？)

~~~~~

"讓先入為主的念頭，引領自己做出預期的判斷與行動，導致預料的結果"。

好比面對未知的挑戰，事先預設立場，覺得不可能克服困難，
那麼在努力的過程中，就會不知不覺的將一切狀況做出負面解讀，
失去了信心，導致失敗的結局。

也許原本客觀來看，成功與失敗的機率各佔一半一半，
但這先入為主的念頭，卻無意識的讓自己往不希望的方向傾斜。

這也就是對凡事抱持著樂觀態度的人，總是容易成功的原因之一。

但，這念頭，請絕不要類推到愛情上頭。

我們常不經意的認為，自己的戀情，應該是什麼樣子的。
給自己設下了標準，非得要跟怎樣的人在一起，
做些什麼，才是自己想要的愛情。

然後，視而不見燈火闌珊處的人，不去把握當下的美好。

或著是，用愛情的框框來告訴自己，
對方怎麼做，怎樣都無所謂，只要自己愛他就好，
這就會是自己的幸福。

然後，讓自己的愛被禁錮，壓抑而難受，
不能開開心心，大大方方的去愛他。

有些人確實是不存在的，
別給自己在愛情上定下一個不食人間煙火的標準。
幸福之所以實在，又能夠長久，不隨著歲月的經過消逝，
是因為平凡，不是因為特別。
一瞬間的發光發熱當然很美，但會一直暖在妳心的，
並非是只願意照亮妳的白天，夜晚便不知所蹤的太陽，
而是不變的星光。

看不到存在的人，錯過了兩人間的完美情感，多可惜？

且愛情之所以美好，
不是因為兩人每天要很困難的付出，才足以對對方表達情感，
而是在呈現自我的簡單表達中，就可以讓對方感到舒服自在
>兩人都不給對方設限，又讓對方有安全感，
這樣的愛情既輕鬆又簡單，能夠花心思，有更多的時間與機會，
來完美彼此的幸福。

別想著怎樣才叫做愛，多用力的去愛才算愛，
帶有委曲求全的態度才是愛，
讓愛變的簡單，好好珍惜，簡單愛。


05年春，五更

Senior Farewell Party

That's today. A 'sending off' party for my friends in Imperial. As I mingled around, I came to the realisation that my entire exco, and my entire course would be leaving Imperial. This is the third farewell I've been to. I wonder how it would be like next year when its time for me to go. I believe I wouldn't like that feeling. I will miss everyone.

~~~~~

Happy Birthday Jiaying

~~~~~

我的黑我的白变成最灿烂的未来
才明白天要我等待一个人到来, 变成我唯一色彩

Rainy London

Of a week of cold sunshine, today turned out to be a warm, rainy day. A good day to sleep, but had to force myself to wake up for project meeting. Yep, after slacking for 5 days since the last paper, its time to get back to work. Things do not look too good though. Andrew and me agreed that with our computing knowledge, either we could make it work within a week, or we would not be able to find a solution even with 3 weeks. Shall meet Mr Liam Madden tomorrow, and see what we can make out of this.

Went for a evening cycle despite the drizzle today. Don't ask me why, but I did. It was today that I noticed the curious construction of London roads. Somehow, they are curved in such a way that the sides of the roads will definitely, and inevitably be converted into semi-swimming pools whenever it rains heavily enough - a cyclist's bane. Haha with the rain coming from the front and from below (I definitely need a front mud guard), I am quite drenched when I got home, but nonetheless, I am very, very happy with what I did =)

I realised something very important today. Treasure yourself when others do not treasure you, and treasure those whom others don't know how to treasure. Its doesn't take much to be happy. In doing these, I found happiness =) Sounds cheem? Not to me haha...

~~~~~

我想就这样牵着你的手不放开, 爱可以 简简单单没有伤害

掌心

无印良品 很久以前的一首主打歌，
陪着我度过了将近十年的学生生涯，
但我从没真正抓住这首歌的意义。

十年后的今天，我想我有点明白了。

《掌心》

你手中的感情线是不肯泄漏的天机
那也许是我一生不能去的禁区
我到底在不在你掌心还是只在梦境中扎营
在茫茫的天和地寻觅一场未知的感情

爱上你是不是天生的宿命
深夜里梦里总都是你倩影
而心痛是你给我的无期徒刑

摊开你的掌心让我看看你
玄之又玄的秘密
看看里面是不是真的有我有你

摊开你的掌心握紧我的爱情
不要如此用力
这样会握痛握碎我的心
也割破你的掌你的心

~~~~~

Lost

As a child, I had one particular dream more times than I could count. It started long before I can remember. I’d always had this dream. It was black — dark and infinite — I couldn’t tell if I was still or moving or falling. There were images of white: I’m not sure what. They simply fly past me. I could hear my heart beating. Louder and louder.

But it wasn’t the darkness or the images or the heart beat that I focussed on. No, there was a particular feeling. Not an physical feeling, but a real, emotional feeling. It was all I could think of.

I think I finally understand that dream. Those feelings.

I have lost something, and I feel those images, those daemons, flying past me again in the darkness. I understand them, and that they have always been a part of me, waiting to return. Now that they’re here, they are again eclipsed by a feeling. A certainty of loss and absence.

My childhood dream has become real, and I find myself wishing that I could just wake up.

-- The Lost Realm --

~~~~~

我站在河岸边被树丛隔离想念着你

Hapless

Are there times when you will for something, but it just does not happen? You hope that things will work your way, but even if at the end of it you need not stand to gain much, things nonetheless refuse to be bent your way.

Exasperation

I have faith in fate, but fate seems to have forsaken me at the moment.

~~~~~

Exams are over. It doesn't feel as good as I thought it would initially. Still have loads of work to do, a different kind of stress I suppose.

~~~~~

I miss the cheerful you.

~~~~~

我愿变成童话里, 你爱的那个天使, 张开双手变成翅膀守护你

Fire Elemental

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

Mirror

All your life is a mirror you created
so that you could see yourself

I stand alone, surrounded by my beliefs and attitudes. There are many faces, many masks that I see reflected back to me. They are my faces - yet they are not ... the roles in life I have played ... the faceless roles of the child, adolescent, teenager, son, student, teacher ... they are the masks of contrivance and control.

I am encircled by my creation - How can I move in freedom when each mask, each role demands limitations? I cannot. But as each is recognised for The Mirror that it is - a reflection trapped in glass - The Mirror can be broken .. one by one the masks shattered. As the faces fall ... I stand alone, all-one within my Self.

*****

Life is a Mirror which you created in order to be able to see all of the conscious and unconscious beliefs which are running you. You did this in order to be able to gain control over your life by changing this unconsciously learned behaviour so that you might evolve and grow as a Human Being.

Everything outside of us, every person that comes to us, everything that happens to us, is a reflection on some level of something that is going on inside of us.

Most of us have lost the ability to be spontaneous.

*****

A reaction - is your way of not handling every life situation

A reaction is a re-enactment of a past situation in a different environment. Each person or situation which comes to you becomes a trigger which reminds you of past events which you have taken on as a mask.

Every mask, every costume you have worn for another, or expected another to wear for you, has provided another belief set which has superimposed another image over the multiple patterns which are as yet, unresolved.

*****

It is the combination of these belief sets which provides the basis for all of your reactions and limits your potential as a Human being.

The unconscious belief patterns running your life go deeper than your present lifetime in this body. They go back genetically before birth, before the experience of your creation in your mother’s womb, even before her conception of you.

Your ancestors provide one of three major harmonics and patterns relating to how you have created your life and are part of the source of your myths, legends and fears.

*****

The Mirror is about 'Remembering' - piecing together the images in the life puzzle - identifying the sources and changing the tune.

There is opportunity, the energy and a choice for change. Unless we do so, the patterns of now will be passed on to our children for future generations. We can only change the evolution of society and the environment in which we live by changing our own consciousness.

Acknowledgements: anunda.com

~~~~~

有时天晴有时雨, 阴天时候我会告诉你, 我爱你, 胜过彩虹的美丽

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is a fear of long words, in case you were wondering.

I had quite enough of studying, and was contemplating what in my life am I afraid of, and I even bothered googling for some answers. The list turned out to be quite extensive, although I could only identify three that describes me. Here goes:

Ankylophobia - Fear of immobility of joints
Hellenologophobia - Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories

Perhaps the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. We will have to face our fears. Permit it to pass over and through you. When the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only a stronger you will remain. Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it.

~~~~~

我和你相遇爱情海这北斗星的爱

Friendship, love and disappointment

Friendship, love and disappointment leads us to adulthood, no doubt about that. It's hard to get through my past 23 years without the company of the innumerable friends I have made, without loving and receiving love in return, and suffering proportional times of disappointments as a result. Do they make you stronger, or does it languish your defensive shield everytime it happens?

It is in individual friendships that we find support and security, negotiate our emotional independence, exchange information, put beliefs and feelings into words and develop a new and different perspective of ourselves. I've never believed that we could co-exist with the world as our only companion. I've never believed that trusts between friends could be betrayed, and till now, I still hold that faith for most of my friends. I've never believed that friendships, once developed, can be ended. And it shall stay that way.

Love and Disappointment. Do they co-exist or do they not? Somehow love is appended by disappointments, and the latter characterizes the former.

Love is a feeling that is different; it's unique; it's perfect. You will know when it's there, but you can never put it down into words. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. Where the eagles fly, on a mountain high. Love for parents, love for a special individual. With that love, the motivation will push you forward no matter what stands in your way, you will be willing to devote all you have, you will have no reservations in ensuring things happen just for them.

Disappointment - awful - we are normally kind of mad at first, and we'll have to just sit there thinking about it, stealing glances, trying to figure the person out, like you were re-evaluating or looking at him for the first time again, drumming your fingers on your knee and screwing up your face as the lines tighten in disappointment.

I've never figured out his rational for disappointing the love we have in him when I was eighteen, and I still have not perceived it at twenty three. And I am still wondering.

~~~~~

因为爱你，我可以若无其事

Change

Change is the only constant in life,
yet for reasons of etiquette, and societal approval,
we maintain an unconscious fight to preserve our limited self sense
to maintain our disease.

I am afraid of changes, even though a change have a half chance that it will be for the better. Perhaps that's because most of the changes to my life have not been so. I am afraid of new patterns overriding old, so much so that new is applied to things around me, applied to my environment but rarely to myself. We can change our clothes to suit climate and fashion but rarely do we change our attitudes to suit our souls, our inner selves. We like to keep change at a distance from our innermost selves, we like to wear glasses that make us blind to the most obvious need for change that will restore honesty and harmony to our lives. We cover ourselves with things and more things.

And that's the kind of attitude I adopt often. These protective layers, I will alter and change but I will not dare go beyond personal space to what I truly am.

Yes indeed, I am paranoia, and I dare not leave my safety circle of 'status quo', even though I would gladly embrace improvements to my life and the life of my loved ones through my actions. But remember, a change have an equal chance of becoming a negative alteration. Nightmares of my friends changing, my father changing, family situation changing, and as a result, the balance of my life tipping off the scale on the wrong end continues to haunt me.

I need to change that attitude. I need to forget the past. I need to embrace the future. I need to...

~~~~~

Happy Birthday to Alvin, Yingnah, Alvin, Peiwen and Fengqian.

~~~~~

載著你 彷彿載著陽光 不管到哪裡都是晴天

Things will be fine.. eventually

How often do we use the phrase "Things will be fine?"

And how often do we tag "eventually" along with it?

It seems that we always begin on our ideas brimming with enthusiasm and burning with passion, but every so often, when we hit our head against a wall set in our path, we stumble and allow ourself to be discouraged. Note, we allow ourself to be discouraged.

When we feel that we'll missed an opportunity in life, stare at the missed opportunity again and have a look. You might be surprised at what you will find there. No one likes to suffer setbacks. That's precisely what makes them so valuable.

Every setback is an opportunity for you to get your own personalized supply of a special energy that will propel you forward. That energy is known as motivation. Think of how an illness can motivate you, like nothing else, to take better care of your health. Consider how a financial setback can provide the compelling motivation to be more financially responsible. What kind of individual, personal motivation can a family split provide you with? Or do you simply allow yourself to drown in these unpleasenties when they happen?

When a setback comes, the first priority is to deal with it and get beyond it. After that's done, and you've experienced it fully, you're blessed with an increased level of motivation and focus. So use the energy of that motivation to deal with the underlying cause of the disappointment you've just experienced. In your highly motivated state, you can easily take steps to immunize yourself against similar setbacks in the future.

Certainly you would never seek out disappointment, but when the setbacks do come, they bring with them a valuable, compelling, personally meaningful motivation. It's something you can use to great advantage. Things might not seem to be smooth flowing when they first happened, but if you could pick yourself up quickly, or allow yourself to be supported by your friends or loved ones, recover and re-motivate yourself, greater heights will become nearer summits. Eventually.

~~~~~

豆浆离不开油条,让我爱你爱到老

Updates

Hello, I'm back~ updates on some of the stuff thats going on~

~~~~~

Apologies for 'turning off' my blog last month. Firstly was because particular information from my blog fell into hands of my mother (haa.. for a moment were u thinking that I had racist remarks in my blog too?), and she was rather upset and unhappy about it, so I thought I'll shut it down for the time being.

Examinations rendered me little time to really blog anything coherent, and especially since I had been rather out of sorts a couple of months ago, I'll thought I'll stop for a while and see whether anything I churn out make sense, coupled with the fact that I don't really feel like writing much either.

~~~~~

Back to examinations again. 6 papers down with 3 more to go. I am a lot lazier than the last couple of years, although the examination weightage is so much higher. That's mainly because I really disliked some of the modules I am taking, for example, Communication networks and accounting. Most probably I did horrendously for those two papers too.

But whatever it is, three more papers to go with five days till the next. I am sure I could pull a little rabbit out of my bag and score relatively well for them. *keeps fingers crossed*

~~~~~

Attachment this summer confirmed. I will be flying home on the 25th June, (could have been earlier, if I was informed earlier that my presentation is on the 22nd), landing on the 26th morning on SQ 317, and reporting back to work at 160 Squadron the following morning. No, RSAF is not a slave driver, but I wanted to end work as early as possible so that I have some time to play around with before returning to London, so I requested for work to start then.

~~~~~

Will be going for a holiday from the 10th till 20th June, roaming about Summer Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam, and I had my housemate bring back a 1Gb CompactFlash for my camera. More high resolution photographs this time round.

On a side note, I realised that on my last count, I printed near 150 photographs this year. Out of a grand total of almost 800 photographs I took this academic year.

~~~~~

Regent's Park. It's so much more beautiful than Hyde Park when the flowers are in bloom. This photo helped to cheer someone I treasure up (I think), hopefully it will bring a bit of colour into the lives of those of you feeling the blues and the greys now.

~~~~~

爱你是一句承诺一生执着

Tribute to the People's President

Your warm and gentle personality, the memories of your life and your achievements will continue to touch and inspire us.

Farewell Dr Wee.